KAD Blog #5- Big Updates
I’ve been putting this blog entry off for quite some time. Part of me thinks its because of all of the ramifications my first entry had on my personal life… but part of me thinks that I’ve also been disassociating from all of the world’s situations lately becuase.. well.. survival mode. What has really been interesting to me is the differences in how a couple years makes me think about things. I re-read some of my old blog entries and think “man, my POV has really shifted over the last few years. TLDR.. I got out of a very toxic environment full of exactly what my father used to do to me. Looking back on the last couple years… the same patterns were there. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself- but its hard to feel like a failure, like I let that back into my life even after seeing the damage that It would eventually do to my personal relationships, self-esteem, and self worth.
“You would be nothing without me, the man you are today, the human…. etc:”
All I can say is…
THANK GOD FOR THERAPY
So.. So.. SOOOOO much has gone on since my last entry.. where to even begin…
Well, you all are here for adoptee thoughts, so I’m finally ready to share everything thats been going on the last year of my life since I wrote that entry that really effected everything in my life. Last year was a pivotal year in my adoptee journey. The release of the frontline documentary “South Korea’s Adoption Reckoning”.. that opened the doors wide open for the questions to be finally asked “how much fraud and human rights violations were committed by the hands of the governments?”… Here’s the thing. We KNEW for a long time that there was widespread fraud, and lots of human trafficking and widespread violations being committed… but we were constantly gaslit by the governements that we were supposed to trust- saying that there was no evidence that this was the case, and that the organizations were in it for the betterment of the world and for the children… this created an environment where the adoptees looked “insane” or always “ungrateful” for our adoptive families and the organizations that we came from. In reality, the agencies committed human rights atrocities with the aid of the Korean AND American Gov’t to fill demand for babies from Korea through any means necessary (falsification of records, human trafficking, coercing low-income mothers to give up children, and committing fraud by paying off hospital workers to lie to low income families saying their child was deathly ill, needed surgery which parents couldn’t pay for- giving them an “out” by putting the child up for adoption- even though the children did not need surgery, and were perfectly healthy,)
However, to jump forward… March 26th of this year.. the South Korean Government’s “Truth and Reconcilliation Commission” (link here) says that the government bears responsibility for widespread fraud, abuse, and trafficking, “driven by efforts to reduce welfare costs enabled by private agencies that often manipulated children’s backgrounds and origins”.. More on this later.
After watching the documentary I needed to find answers… I booked a trip to Korea for December and finished the paperwork necessary for my birth search.. the birth search came back ultra-fast.. I mean like 24 hours when I got a response. The answer was, “we found your mother’s information, we’re going to send her the certified letter to see what she responds”.. I was in total disbelief.. (I didn’t exactly know what certified letter meant, I thought they were going to send her the photos and the letter I had to write… oh how wrong I was..)
They found my mother. She was alive. Holy crap..
The next few days were tense. I was checking my email over and over again and finally one day… at work, I open my email and There it was…. a response from Holt. Here is the actual email..
Dear Jonathan,
We received a final search update from Holt Korea. I am so sorry it is not good news. Here is their email:
I sent the 1st registered mail to the birth mother's current house address on October 28th, 2024.
And I got a phone call from her today.
She told me that she is not able to correspond with the adoptee because her current family does not know about the adoptee and about her adoption story at all.
When I talked with her over the phone, she was filled with fear. So she told me that please do not send any mails to the house later.
I know if the adoptee wants to search for her, the adoptee can send the search request at least 2 years later.
I told the birth mother, and she told me that if the adoptee finds me later again,she wants to get a call from us first not mailing out.
So she left her contact number to me, and I wrote it in our counseling report today.
I am sorry for this news today. I hope this helps.
Devistation, complete and utter devistation washed over me. I started crying and had to leave work. This was incredibly raw because not only had my mother given me up- after she found out I was trying to make contact, she immediately said no.. and I would have to wait for two years minimum to open the search. I didn’t take the “no “ at face value and reached back out for context.. Holt was VERY defensive about this as I was wondering who had talked to my mother, the context of the call, what was said to make her fearful… and I requested proof that they had actually called my mother as Holt is known to lie (watch the doc for full context..) . I got back a very defensive email saying I would have to take their word for it… needless to say I did NOT take their word at face value and looked into other options.
I reached out to “Global Overseas Adoptee Link” (G.O.A.L ) and that was possibly the best decision I could have ever made. I jump on a zoom call with Kyeong - Mi and we talk for a good two hours about my birth search results and the “why” behind it. She also helped translate my Korean adoption file and I learned one piece of information that I will keep with me forever… My Grandparents know I exist and were in the delivery room with me when I was born…. which is apparently not very common at all for these situations.
She also said she would reach out to my case worker in Korea herself and see if there was anything that could be done, like leaving my mother a message to be read next time contact was made with her. The historical context coupled with these next steps gave me a sense of hope back. I awaited the case worker’s reply.
Mon, Nov 4, 2024, 12:14 AMto meHi Jonathan,It's happy Monday in Seoul.I just talked to Ju-ran at Holt. Let me write what I've heard from her;I discussed with you the term you need to have between searches. When a search yielded nothing, one can petition for search again after one year. However, in cases where birth parents are contacted and they show refusal for meeting/communicating with adoptees, Holt asks to wait for 2-3 years before they petition again. Your case falls on the latter.I asked questions in-detail to find out how the conversation went.Ju-ran says your birth mother's voice was trembling and she cried a lot. Under her current circumstances, it's impossible for her to communicate with you by any means, she said. She has a spouse and children who don't know anything about adoption or her having had a baby. Ju-ran asked how old your birth mother's children were but she didn't get any answer.Ju-ran still had to explain the process of search. In case you would petition for search again, she will have to send letters to her. Your birth mother understands that, so if it happens, she would like to receive a phone call not a letter.I asked how long the conversation went on and Ju-ran said it had been very short, like 3 minutes. Out of this short time, she needed to take quite some time to comfort her as your birth mother was very nervous.I told the caseworker about your upcoming visit to Korea. It's disappointing but she can't make another call to even ask your birth mother whether she could meet you secretly. Ju-ran says making a phone call would jeopardize the fragile relationship between Holt and your birth mother because some parents just change their phone numbers or block callers to avoid the adoption issue.Instead, if you send your letter and pictures to Holt, she can keep them in your file so that she could send them to your birth mother when it comes the right time.Oh, I asked Ju-ran how old your mother is. She said, 54 (in Korean age).Please feel free to ask me if you have any questions.Sincerely,Kyeong Mi
This new information that was given was hard to hear, but gave me a sense of closure to this particular situation- my mother was Alive, I knew the conversation actually happened, she knows that I’m thinking about her… just all the things I needed at that time. Now.. on to Korea
Without getting into super detail, Korea was life changing. After coming home, I had many people close to me tell me I’m 100% a different energy in the room when I walk in. I didn’t think that I would be THAT different. But I suppose there are a few things I can say about Korea that may have changed everything,
it wasn’t one big event, one big feeling, a bunch of huge emotions and big realizations that changed everything
it was all of the small things..
It was how saying 안녕하세요 (annyeonghaseyo) rolled off the tongue, how the air smelled familiar, how the food tasted oddly familiar… it was going to my birth city of Daejeon.. getting asked for directions and getting looks of surprise when I said I don’t speak Korean.. to assimilating and looking like I belong specifically in Daejeon (down to how I dress).. standing exactly where my story began.. at the Sung-Mo Ob & Gyn Clinic at 114-13, EunHayng-dong, Jung-gu, Daejeon city. Touching the doors and feeling the handles- the same handles my mother grabbed when entering the building. These little events, answered the question that has been eating me from the inside out my whole life. “What does being Korean, or Korea, even mean to me? Am I even Korean? Will I ever be “Korean Enough?”. I finally had my answer that filled that hole in my heart for the last 30 years..I’m definitely Korean, but I’m also American.. so I’m not “nature OR Nurture”- I’m BOTH
One of my most transformative moments was at the OB-GYN Clinic, I sat across the street on the bench, and visualized over and over the day I was born.. I even went to the clinic at the exact time of my birth (12:50PM).. I would visualize an April day, breeze flowing through my mother’s hair as she rushes into the clinic after her water breaks. I would replay the scene over and over.. I wondered in my head WHY this place was moving me emotionally so much. To a normal person- the hospital they are born at is just a fact about them.. so why? … I sat until I had the realization that the reason why this specific moment, the place, meant so much to me..
This was the ONLY, first, AND last place my mother and I were physically in the same space together.. Breathing the same air.. with me outside of her womb
This broke me, I broke down and spent an hour crying my eyes out.. but it was oddly healing at the same time.
Sung-Mo Ob & Gyn Clinic at 114-13, EunHayng-dong, Jung-gu, Daejeon city.
I also stopped by G.O.A.L and sat down with Kyeong-Mi to chat for a while, and ended up staying for four hours talking about everything. We also planned time to grab some dinner together-and I really felt a deep, connection on a level that I didn’t expect. She said something that really made me bittersweet, happy and sad all at the same time , “ Your mother would be so proud of the man you have become, and you are connected even if not physically”. This has stuck with me at the forefront of my mind since Korea, I’m now in her mind, not just a distant memory. In a way, I left Korea with a lot more than I thought I would- not only did I have the answers that I needed personally to feel more complete, I also had a “pseudo mother” figure in Kyeong Mi.
So yes, Korea was truly life changing and gave me an overwhelming sense of confidence, and a sense of self that was missing for 30 years.
After coming back from Korea, like I said, people said I was different- carrying a different energy- and this surprised me at first- but after looking back of how I’ve handled certain situations…. I can say I am different. More centered, more confident, like I truly do know myself now……
I was able to seperate the situations I was finding myself in with these toxic people, and able to realize finally that their behavior is an outward manifestation of internal struggle, their negative view on themselves and the world.. it isn’tabout me, and its not my responsibility to “warn others” or react to these people. I’ve also entered a phase where because I have this perspective- I don’t harbor any ill will, or hatred in my heart.
I forgive my father, I forgive the other people that have really hurt me, or wronged me.
But, I can set the boundary that they will never re-enter my life and create strife ever again. The forgiveness is for me, and my own mental health-NOT for them. I also take a lot of lessons from these situations and apply them going forward. I won’t talk to my father as long as he still drinks, and is with the person he is with, I will not allow people to gaslight me and guilt me into doing things I don’t feel comfortable with because of “family”.. and I wont sacrafice my personal home life for anyone else, any company again.
When the events on March 26th this year happened (remember.. the whole “Korean gov’t actually admitting fraud" thing in the adoption space?) I couldn’t help being very… un-emotional, if anything I was finally feeling relief from the years my adoptive parents would say “Holt is a wonderful, christian organization! they only had the babies in mind!” when behind the curtain, were committing horrific acts (which is a big thing in my life lately apparently). I was FINALLY able to have conversations with my adoptive mother around the fraud and how widespread it was. In a lot of ways, it finally validated that aspect and made that relationship much easier to navigate and frankly, stronger… because it feels like my mother and I are finally on the same team with this. The big thing for me is, now that this is out in the public- what exactly will happen? We need to figure out next steps quickly. I can only hope the Korean gov’t finally does the right thing and give adoptees access to ALL their information, make reunions much more swift and easy, thinking more about the adoptee rather than the optics and relationship between the adoption agencies and birth families, and so much more.
RANT BEGIN.
Did I mention that the “certified mail” that they send out when an adoptee opens a birth search, is a very generic, cold “someone from x year and in x country is looking for you”.. with no context, which is SOMEWHAT understandable as some families do not know about the adoptee’s existance- but if the mother has a knee jerk reaction, and says no, like my mother did- the adoptee is locked behind bureacratic tape for 2-4 years, and the agencies will only attempt to contact three times. So, if by 2029 my mother isn’t ready to reunite- who knows if the agencies will even release my bio mom’s info…
The thing that still annoys me to this day is Holt HAS ALL OF MY BIO MOTHER’S INFO, but will NOT share it because of her knee jerk reaction.. they are afraid of souring the relationship THEY have with my bio mother & the optics within Korea… they don’t think about how this affects the adoptee, who never asked to be given up in the first place.
RANT OVER. Sigh.. OKAYYY LETS MOVE ON!
In other updates that aren’t so heavy- I’m 30 now, and my back hurts LOL! I’ve also been quite nostalgic recently.. as I age, I do miss those days circa 2008 when I was just entering high school, not a care in the world, lots of firsts… It does make me feel very bittersweet about it, but being older also comes with a lot of really nice perspective.
I attended the NAMM Show for the first time as an ARTIST, not just an attendee or vendor.. an actual artist, I did a demo at the Tom Anderson Booth and it was quite a moment for me in my guitar career- I grew up watching artists I respect do demos for manufacturers at NAMM and always thought “I wonder if I’ll ever be one of them?”.. and there I was, doing the thing 10 year old me wondered if it would even be possible.
I re-started my photography business, which is huge… if ya wanna support that here’s a link to my instagram / website:
I played the Monsters of Rock Cruise again this year.. Big thanks to Tyson Leslie for that opportunity again. Made a lot of new friends, played Van Halen with Tyson & Roxy from VIXEN, Mr. Big with Mike Vanderhule of Y&T, upon others. This year was absolutely amazing on the high seas and I never take those things for granted. I’ve also been changing how I look at the instrument of guitar. Here’s my outlook on guitar:
I really love fighting for every note.
As I mature and grow as a person and a guitarist. I’ve come to realize what I need out of my instruments and gear. The big thing for me, is I need my voice, nuance in my playing, and my techniques to shine through. Too much gear these days try and help the player through sounding “mastered”.. or even temperament through compression, and taming every spike, imperfection, and more. While this is great for certain applications. I feel as if my personal voice and expression gets lost.
Mentally, I play my best when I have to fight tooth and nail for every note. Maybe it’s my background fighting tooth and nail to be where I am today, abandoned orphan, adoptee, lots of hardship etc… but it’s something that I’ve learned about myself and my playing over the last half decade.
I want to fight the guitar in the right ways. Not in playability or intonation- but in key choices to allow the nuance to show. Picking angle of attack, velocity, thickness of pick, material of pick, articulation through gear that isn’t drowned in effects or doesn’t overly compress, or isn’t so even sounding that it kills dynamics… and in a lot of cases, I WANT imperfection.
I’ve found a pickup that I can pretty much call my “signature” without having someone make something custom for me. The Bare Knuckle VHII, a medium-hot, asymmetrical wound with 42awg, unpotted humbucker… which is a “revealing” or “hard” pickup to play… but the string separation, articulation and frankly- the imperfection of the pickup allows every nuance in my playing to matter.
This, coupled with my SLO-100 with an ultra-clean and honest articulate response, is a recipe that i can truly call my signature sound. It’s one that requires accuracy, articulate and clean playing that you have to FIGHT for every note… but one that rewards with incredible harmonic content, sustain, and a satisfaction that I love.
Just as myself, and all of humanity is perfectly imperfect… I embrace the imperfection that makes music incredible… in fact, I WELCOME the imperfection. That’s what makes music human.
I feel as if music has become this race to see who can play the cleanest, fastest, and flashiest… I haven’t been MOVED by a piece of modern music as often as when I listen to older records.. maybe I’m a boomer, but I like how music and art is supposed to reflect humanity- “perfectly imperfect”. I want to hear the humanity in every note.
Last thing, I’ll be speaking again at KAAN in Atlanta this June.. This time bringing new perspective versus even one short year ago. Last year I had a hard time getting through my presentation without crying or breaking down. This year I come with a sense of self that I’m excited to have while speaking at a large space for adoptees. I really hope to inspire more people to tell their stories, the more people use their voices, the more we can expose the weaknesses and corruption in the system, all while supporting each other and creating communities.
Until next time, thank you for reading <3
-J. Hurley “thekorean.dragon”
