Birth Search: the aftermath
When exactly does the pain stop?
Since coming back from Korea, that has been the biggest question in my mind. Starting the birth search process took a lot of mental fortitude and courage. Getting over the “what if she rejects me, again?” question really took a long time. I let the birth search application sit in my inbox for over 6 months. The uncertainty, hope, fear, love, resentment, all swirled inside my soul. The hurt baby, the one starved for affection, love and a mother’s embrace…. I felt like I had to protect him, and letting go was the hardest part.
When I started the birth search process, I KNEW there was a huge risk of another rejection.. and as a lot of adoptees feel, living in that in-between. In between my feelings and my birth mother’s… in between fear of rejection, and hope. I had the thought that I was interjecting myself back into her life, and who knows if she would even want that? IF anything I was certain she wouldn’t because “If she wanted me, she would have kept me”..
Alas, I gathered the strength to submit my birth search documents and waited. Sadly, as I outlined in my last blog entry- she freaked out and said she didn’t want to meet me. This, as you could imagine- was painful- VERY, VERY painful. This signified not only a rejection- but a confirmation that she didn’t want me. This has had rippling effects on my mental health since this event took place.
I’m going to be totally transparent and very honest with y’all.. my self-confidence has been at an all-time low all of 2025.. It’s so funny.. people see what is on the outside- the rockstar, touring guitar tech, amp builder, etc… and they would never know how small I have been feeling all year. No matter the accolades, the career moves, what I look like, nothing matters to me besides the fact that my birth mother rejected me again. It’s been hard, to say the least- because I’ve found I have also needed validation on other parts of me that honestly- don’t matter in the slightest, but in my psyche it’s a matter of “if I can’t get the validation from the one person every human needs validation from (mother)… am I even a person?”
I have realized over the last few months that my birth mother has had a chokehold on my psyche, for a very, very long time. Every time I feel like I’m starting to thrive and have a good run of happy days, I’m reminded somehow of the rejection- whether that’s a call from my adoptive mother- or seeing mothers and sons out at a park..
It’s exhausting.. exhausting to be in a constant state of dull pain and everyone around you tells you to “be grateful, look at the positives”.. especially when they don’t know what it’s like to not only not have a biological family- but also the culture, language, food, mannerisms, etc.. It’s hard not to become bitter, resentful and perpetually angry.
I guess, that’s why the title- “When will the pain stop?”… adoptees sadly, usually don’t get any sort of happily ever after ending. Most adoptees will never reunite with their birth families, or ever have even basic answers. It’s incredibly hard to go through life in a constant state of unknown, rejection, and pain.
My birth mother has had a hold on my psyche for my whole life. I can not stress this enough- Adoption is not rainbows & fairy tale endings- even if the adoptee isn’t aware- it effects how one goes through life in every way. For me, attachment issues, self-esteem issues, body image, hating my asian-ness, and the dysphoric view of how I look vs how I feel inside… this all (and a whole lot more) stemmed from adoption & my birth mother.
Anyone who needs to hear this.. listen up.
IT’S OK to have negative feelings and express them. It’s ok to be angry, resentful, bitter… You don’t always have to be happy and grateful. You just can’t let the negative consume you.
The human experience is allowing yourself to feel and express every emotion.
